![]() ![]() All of you is cooperative effort." Up under my veil, I finger the wet poking stub of my tongue from some vandalized product. ![]() Whatever you do, they're doing and none of you is responsible. "Relax," Brandy says, "Whatever you're thinking, a million other folks are thinking. Even what's inside you already, the colonies of microbes and bugs that eat your food for you, without them you'd die. "Even your physical body, all your cells will be replaced within eight years." Skin, bones, blood, and organs transplant from person to person. "There isn't any real you in you," she says. You're about as one-of-a-kind as a dollar bill. You're about as free to act as a programmed computer. The same way a compact disk isn't responsible for what's recorded on it, that's how we are. It's all out of your hands," Brandy says. ![]() You're not responsible for how your feel or what you ay or how you act or anything you do. "My point being," Brandy says, "is you can't escape the world, and you're not responsible for how you look, if you look beauticious or butt-ugly. Sometimes your best way to deal with shit, she says, is to not hold yourself as such a precious little prize. The minister in your church, another product," Brandy says. The people who design car, they're products. Us in the speech therapist office, Brandy says, "It helps to know you're not any more responsible for how you look than a car is," Brandy says. On my pad with my pen, I wrote: don't tease. I could just stop breathing and not wake up. What the doctors told me was unless they rebuilt me some kind of jaw, at least some kind of flap, they said, I could die anytime I fell asleep. This was them talking to each other during morning rounds. This kind of acute traumatic mandibulectomy without reconstruction, before decannulation of the tracheostomy tube can lead to sleep apnea, the doctors said. It's the same feel as the top edge of a strapless dress and maillot, held up with wire or plastic stays sewn inside. "Honey," she says, "times like this, it helps to think of yourself as a sofa or a newspaper, something made by a lot of other people but not made to last forever." The open edge of my throat feels starched and plastic, ribbed-knitted and stiff with sizing and interfacing. ![]()
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